Why Do Skating Momzillas Become Momzillas Who Skate?

As the exploration of Momzilladom is surely an anthropologic endeavor, it is natural to classify the Momzillae into subgroups.  One obvious group is the double whammy "Skating Momzillas Who Skate."

This phenomenon combines two of the athletic world's most perplexing characters into one more-or-less compressed force.  I was recently talking with some fellow observers of the species, and we identified a few different groups.

Skating Momzillas Who See Their Kids Loving the Sport and Decide to Try It for Themselves
This is clearly the most innocuous version of the Skating Momzilla Who Skates.  This Momzilla has managed to assert a positive spin on the sport so that her children love it, and the love simply trickles up to the Zilla.  A good time is had by all.

Skating Momzillas Who See Their Kids Succeeding at the Sport and Can't Stand the Thought of Being Outdone
This hardworking but vicious Momzilla is a tricky breed.  Her motivations derive from her innate sense of competition.  Not only does she want her child to succeed above the other kids, she also wants to outdo her child.  This Momzilla is actually quite a boon to society, as she can safely be counted on to keep a significant chunk of the therapy and counseling market in business...for years, if you consider the adulthood repercussions for today's child skater.

Skating Momzillas Who Skate in an Effort to Directly Control Every Aspect of Their Children's Lives
This Skating Momzilla Who Skates is, in my opinion, the saddest kind.  The sadnesses are myriad.  Not only does she not actually enjoy the sport of figure skating; she does it only to be physically closer and thus better able to control every aspect of her child's life, she is a burden to the economy.  The inevitable homeschooling drains much-needed funding from the public education system, and the refusal to seek psychiatric counseling and fill in the gaps left by the other Momzillas who largely populate the therapy couch (and I do mean largely in every sense of the word) results in the threat of economic shortfall to the therapy and counseling industry.  Luckily, the now-children of these Momzillas will be adults before you know it.  Once they no longer speak to their Momzillas, they will reinvest manyfold in therapy.

Come to think of it, maybe I was wrong.  Perhaps the most controlling Skating Momzilla Who Skates is actually a long-term benefit to the counseling industry.  Just think of it.  By avoiding preventive counseling now, these Momzillas virtually guarantee that their children will emerge from adolescence as adults in need of long-term restorative therapy.  And as everyone knows, it takes much more effort to fix a broken vessel than the small investment in bubble wrap to avoid breakage in the first place.

So therapists, counselors, take heed.  Seek out these Momzillas now and remember to Google the kids to track them down when they get older.  Your retirement fund will thank you for it.
 

Comments

[Simone]

What about the Momzilla who began skating before the child, and in the space of about 35 minutes, has been surpassed by the child????

[Mint Mogul]

Don't forget these Momzs:

Momzillas Who Forced Their Kids Into Skating Because They Never Got To Skate As Children And Skate Because Living Vicariously Through Their Children Isn't Enough.

If I ever get over my fear of ice, that's where you'll find me. Note to self, I would also need children that I have already forced to skate to accomplish this one.

[Momzilla]

You can borrow mine. They are already experienced in this genre.