Last week, I was sitting with the other Momzillae watching an off-ice workout when one of the higher-level teenage skaters sat down next to me. In the course of our conversation, she thanked me for...well...covering myself when I skate.
Now I'm no fool. From an early age, my hips and thighs proclaimed my exceptional skill at childbearing, and my abdomen can't quite give up the delightful form of early 2nd trimester. While I may be the poster child for sustaining our civilization through procreation, there is no reason that the poster needs to be viewed by the general public. Rather, I view each additional layer of clothing as more of a public service than anything else.
Sadly, not every Momzilla Who Skates feels the same way.
This, fueled by the fervor of the competition at the end of the month, got me thinking about the phenomenon of dressing Momzillas Who Skate.
First, let me underscore each forthcoming word with the most basic concept that any adult who is willing to put on a skating dress deserves some kind of prize, and at the very least, access to a fabulous VIP lounge in whatever kind of afterlife floats your boat. That said, I do believe that there should be some kind of guidelines to employ while here on Earth, among the sighted. (I'll have to explore the potentially delightful possibilities that could come with the creation of a blind figure skating audience...another day.)
Also, allow me to acknowledge that I seem to have discovered the genre of listmaking. I'm not certain where it came from, and I don't know how long it will last, so I have decided to embrace it for the moment. And off we go...
- Unless "six-pack" refers to the definition in your midsection, and not the volume of prepackaged Frappuccinos you fed to it, there should be no exposed midriff. Ever.
- Whether "rolls" refers to what is hanging over your waistband or what you ate for breakfast, keep it under wraps.
- Ditto for "muffin top".
- In the case of briefs attached to the dress, while no one is suggesting that anyone wear a sumo-like diaper, less is not more.
- While it is true that less is not more, more is also not more. Multiple layers of fabric are rarely a good idea. Remember the giant prom dress that closely resembled a meringue? It wasn't a good idea then, and it's a worse idea now.
- Black is slimming. Which is why everyone wears it. Color is great, and Carmen Miranda was a genius at it. Try to leave the genius alone and strive for monochromatic mediocrity.
- No one ever really succeeded in blinding the judges with so many stones that it distracted from one's inability to skate. You're not going to be the first. So unless you have a vested interest in putting some rhinestone-purveyor's kid through college, there is no reason to overbling.
- Unless you are spoofing Shirley Temple or Daisy Duke, once you are old enough to serve in the Armed Forces, pigtails are best left on the farm.
- Just as with street clothing, if you find a skating dress designer whose size inflation makes you an "extra-small", make sure that you keep that person in business. Consider it an investment in your emotional well-being.
- This is not Baywatch. While every woman is entitled to make use of the cleavage that she has earned, or create the cleavage that she dreams of, remember that while skating could technically be considered a water sport, the ice does not confer the same kind of camouflage that liquid water does in the event of "boob poppage".
There are many additional intricacies involved with dressing the adult skater. However, these tips should help to set the self-respecting and socially conscious Momzilla Who Skates on a reasonable path to the world of skating attire. With any luck, the upcoming competition will afford some valuable visual examples to further the cause.