As you know, my toddler had a great time in her first skating competition last weekend, and I managed to behave almost like a totally normal human being, who happened to have a child in figure skates. Unfortunately for the world at large (but fortunately for this blog), my example was not pervasive among the crowd of parents.
While sitting in the stands to watch my daughter compete, I happened to sit next to a woman who is also a skating mom who skates, herself. She is absolutely a lovely person, and is normally very grounded. Today, however, she had completely 'Zilla'd out. Her child was also competing, and had a minor choreography crisis with the coach, relating to where to start the program on the ice. She was completely, as my close friend Mark would say, fuhbludgeoned in the keppe" and kept saying how disappointed she was that the coach should have known better. Oh, and she also had to take a little something to calm her down from the nerves of her own competition, compounded by her child's competing.
On the one hand, as someone who once drank a glass of wine with waffles for breakfast on a competition morning, I totally feel for her. (But just to clarify, the wine was because I was skating, not the kids. So while I will admit to "premedicating" as an adult skater, I have yet to do it as a Momzilla.)
But on the other hand, OY! This was a basic skills competition! The kid can't even write in cursive yet! This kind of thing simply isn't worth getting bent out of shape and medicated for. Nervous is one thing, but this was bigger than that. It was the birth of a plus-size Momzilla.
At the risk of sounding like a terrible person, I sort of appreciate when other parents go nuts like this. Not only does it give me something to write about, I feel like it gives me one more point of reflection and grounding. In a very bastardized kabbalistic way, it seems as though there is a fixed amount of "Momzilla" in the world. Every time one more person boards the crazy bus, I get one step closer to being able to reach over and pull the cord to get off the bus.
Next week, we are traveling out of town to a major-ish skating competition. I have heard from friends that the Momzillas in that neck of the woods are particularly fierce. With that in mind, I am greatly anticipating the journey. First of all, my blogging cup will undoubtedly runneth over. And more importantly, with any luck, I will encounter so much lunacy that I will be vaulted back to a place where even my husband will feel that I am a totally normal and grounded person.