My kids are not the only ones skating in the soon-to-be-fabled skating competition that is going on right now. Yes. I am competing, as well. I am, in fact, competing in more events than my children, as a testament to the distance from reality that I choose to keep.
One of my own events was in the standard track, competing against kids - not adults. Why was I out there shaking it with the kids? It's a long story, but as it turns out, it was a good experience, even resulting in a medal.
One of the things that set me apart from the kids - besides stretch marks - was the fact that I was the only skater in that event without glitter in my hair. No joke. One kid was so glittery, that she covered her coach (who happens to be a gay man) with what could only be termed "fairy dust". It was absolutely everywhere.
Why is this a momzilla moment? For a couple of reasons. First, it was one of those rare times when I was actually glad to be an adult skater rather than a kid on the ice. Second, it cured me of any momzilla urge to glitter my own children.
More importantly, it led me to recall this story (courtesy of my favorite Olympian-interior designer), which is so amazing that I have to share it with you.
This is the tale of a young man whose momzilla did not have the benefit of doing solo compulsory dance against over-glittered youth. She, sadly, could not pass the wisdom of glitter-free hair on to her son, who is quite talented and is an elite level skater.
A few years ago, this poor kid, who was in his late teens/early twenties - old enough to know better - was on official practice ice at USFS Nationals. He fell, which, luckily for those of us who consider schadenfreude a life force, happens fairly often. On this occasion, the young man - prone to theatrics - fell and clutched his knee, wailing, in the fetal position, for a few minutes. When his coaches finally calmed him down, he tried to get up from the spot that he had been lying on the ice.
I should back up a bit and provide a visual. This young man is tall and thin with (at the time) long-ish blonde hair that was full of...you guessed it...glitter.
This poor, misdirected kid had so much glitter gel in his hair, that when he tried to lift his head off the ice, the glitter gel had melted and frozen into the ice. He literally couldn't pull his glittery head off the ice. His coaches, now having to shush the screaming again, had to pull his hair, strand by strand, off the spot where it had frozen to the ice.
So Momzillas out there, please learn from this tragedy. Hair glitter really doesn't add anything, it makes a huge mess, and could one day cement your child - literally - to the ice.